[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
buying dead houseplants to save time
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.