[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!