[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way