*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I have never related to anyone more.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?