[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
584.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.