[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*