[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.