Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.