I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops