Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.