Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…