[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!