[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Pringles
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
me: my friends:
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.