@TheAlexNevil: At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
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@ShutUpThatsWho: COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38
@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@theyearofelan: If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet
@elle91: In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.