At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad