@TheAlexNevil: At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
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@JohnnyCrash5: Friend: How come you didn't come to my babyshower? Me: Oh I'm sorry but I passed away.
@yonewt: Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your "sweatie"
@rickolantern: Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that's still in your mouth, You're going as a pirate for Halloween.