@TheAlexNevil: At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
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@_coryrichardson: me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens
@HiddleDeeDee: 6: Mom, I'm going to be a Navy pilot or a SEAL. If that doesn't work, I'm going to work at Subway. It's all about the backup plan, people.
@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'
@UncleDuke1969: ALERT At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe. Last seen in the word "Let's". If you see it, please send it home. Its tweet misses it.