@TheAlexNevil: At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark".
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@mattgallo123: Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
@foodfacenow: Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets *later* Me:*holding a snake to date's face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
@LnL245: M: Um, you just spelled "qwerty" as "querty". H: So? M: Look at the keyboard. H: And? M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
@KKAlThani: Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.