At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
getting old is fun
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Body by cheese-puffs.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair