Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.