[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
A choir of Spring onions
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty