[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
my dad has had enough
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
everyone has that one prude friend