[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-