MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
found my next D&D character name