[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms