[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.