(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
oh shit
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.