(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
me
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size