At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
You Might Also Like
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
That lamp looks PISSED.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there