(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.