(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
i think we should see other cousins