[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Breaking news:
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”