[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Meowchelangelo
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”