At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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