@TheTweetOfGod: At the end of the day, it's 11:59pm.
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@Sickayduh: ME: What's your favorite movie? DATE: Girl Interupt- ME: *drops fork* What is it? DATE: Girl Interu- ME: *burps* Sorry. Go on. DATE: Fargo
@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.