HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
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“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
The Friday File.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward