*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
You Might Also Like
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Breaking news:
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.