[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]