at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
The A string on my guit_r is flat