[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too