me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Overindulged this afternoon.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Have a lovely day 😊
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Well, my evening plans are ruined