[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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My life in a nutshell
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck