[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m putting together a team
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days