(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.