[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.