[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!