[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.