[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
October already? What’s next? November????
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all