Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I just ran a .003048K
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.