I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’d love this…lol
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
79.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.