[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth