[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]