[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions