[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars