[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Jogging
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.